18. When past traumas define your boundaries
The feedback I received from my last blog on boundaries was that more needed to be written about our past and how it effects our boundaries. All of us have a past. These defining moments, instances or experiences in our lives have a much more signifigant role than most of us realize. For example, coming face to face with someone's death (violent or someone close), witnessing or being part of an accident, experiencing and living through violence allow us to live our lives from a frame of reference based on our past. This is where we have a choice to make. We can choose to live our lives through the perspective from our past or we can decide to take the road of inner healing.
Some things you need to ask yourself about your boundares are what are your own rules or roles you adopt or expect others to adopt with regards to boundaries, and where are they coming from? When those roles are looked at, are they working functionally or do you need to reconstruct them often? How about re-framing your actions? What I mean is there a way to think, plan and act on it differently? How about boundaries you place on your family, are they placed there out of uncertainty and fear?
Let me give you a personal example, I was violently raped at age 11 years by a mentally ill senior. This experience was unwanted, unexpected and was not based on what most think of as healthy sexual attraction. The boundaries I adopted without support or a frame of reference were that all men are dangerous. They cannot be looked at, talked to or connected with. From that moment onward and for that time-period my past interfered with present and rendered me unable to trust all men - just in case their actions were like the one I lived through. Is this feeling fair to all other men I met since then? No! Not until I recognized the damage to myself (through support) on a personal level did I chose to heal the damage. Bonds like the one I had can be life-lasting without recognition or healing.
Arthur Burke is a Counselor and posts frequently on YouTube. There is a posting I attached from him called "trauma bond to time." It discusses how attached we all can become to the pain of our past. Well worth looking at.
Through the dysfunctional systems we adopt due to our unresolved issues, we often use rigid boundaries. Boundaries are the self-imposed responsibilities we place upon ourselves and significant others. When they are healthy, they increase our comfort, ability and freedom to function as God's creations. When they are dysfunctional, they can impose rigid rules instead of increasing our comfort and freedom.
For more information, please refer back to my blogs on boundaries. I will welcome presented questions and will provide an initial complimentary consultation when you are ready to take a forward step to heal. Bless your perseverance to read, think and decide on inner healing for this!