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13. Sexually Abusive Relationships


The scars and the devastation of a incestuous relationship is permanent and can alter a person's future without intervention. A child’s neurology is changed due to their traumatic experiences while their brain is growing. If you or someone you care about has lived through this experience, please read further in this blog about adverse childhood experiences.

The reality is no child is able to adequately comprehend the destruction of incestuous relationships. The child will suffer through “horror, fear, guilt, shame, pain and other intense emotions associated with the abuse.” (Davediuk Gingrich, Heather, Restoring the Shattered Self, Intervarsity Press, Illinois, 2013).

The following section will provide a summarized introduction to it as well as initial action steps to take.

There are 7 steps you can take for healing the scars of sexual abuse/incest from the website: http://thriveboston.com/counseling/overcoming-incest-7-steps-for-healing-the-scars-of-sexual-abuse/

  1. Be Patient as bitterness and hatred will keep the wounds open. Inattention allows them to keep the self-harm (of self-hatred) going.

  2. Grieve your loss. The stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

  3. Regain control - being believed and validated is vital in this stage.

  4. Find support; finding a counsellor, support group and friends whom you trust enables healing to begin.

  5. Establish Boundaries. They are discussed in detail in other blogs. Please review.

  6. Know that you will heal - please search through other blogs on adverse childhood experiences.

  7. Find more intense guidance support enables you to go forward toward healing.

Children who have suffered through incestuous relationships have difficulty in myriad of tasks involving others later in their lives. This is due to their trust being broken and their lack of ability to find connection with others. Their emotional growth stopped at the point of abuse and often part of them remains at the point of abuse. This means there is trauma there inhibiting growth. It is difficult to find out what you need to do when no training was given to you as a child!

Children who are given loving, compassionate support and guidance are able to heal from their abuse and develop normally. Children who are not provided with this change to grow in safety will grow to be adults with highly insecure attachments to life. Essentially this means that your house was built on sand. Without healing from this point onward any storms of life will render these adults unable to cope with life.

Matthew 7:26-27 says: But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

Inner healing can allow this house to be built on the solid ground. This means, if this is you, for you to search for the right kind of professional support for your needs. Counselling, support groups and trusted friends can be your invaluable ally to inner healing through this severe trauma you survived through. It takes strength, wisdom and ability to overcome. Considering you survived the past, now it’s time to receive healing for it in order for you to proceed in strength and wholeness.

If you have been affected by sexual abuse and would like to receive support, please contact me for an initial complimentary session.