2. FIGHT FOR YOUR BOUNDARIES
DO YOU NEED TO FIGHT FOR YOUR BOUNDARIES?
Yes, you often have to fight for your boundaries. Domineering or controlling people will put up resistance to your boundaries. The more self-centered the other person is, the more resistance you will receive. Often you have to fight for your own healing. A successful fight will provide inner healing.
DOES SOMEONE INSTILL GUILT ON YOU OR BLAMES YOU? WHAT ABOUT ANGER?
You may receive guilt messages; how could you do this to me? Do you ever think about anyone but yourself? These messages are signs of wanting to control in disguise. They (or he or she) hide their hurt behind them. Be forewarned and assertive; again it’s the person saying it that has issues of wanting to control you rather than vice versa. Your created boundaries force them to set limits to their own behavior and they will not like it. Kindness and gentleness are your keys to control and healing.
Anger may surface; resentment may come. Be realistic. This is no longer about you, it is about their behavior. Make sure you have a support system in place. Do not respond back in anger, for this will give more fuel to the issue. Ensure there’s physical distance and limits that allow you to “enforce consequences.” This simply means that the person expressing anger towards you needs to learn self-control in order to be able to re-connect with you. What this also may mean for you is the loss of the person you hold dear. Again, please ensure your circle of support will be there for you and allow you to reflect on your own behavior in a safe and healthy manner.
The two boundaries each person can have and maintain in a clear fashion are “love and limits.”
These two words return you back into the physical battle. You can love yourself and others. In order to proceed towards a healthy relationship with others set your boundaries and go through with your plan in a steady and healthy way. It may hurt others. The pain is theirs and not yours. Others will try to control you. Remain steadfast with your boundaries. Avoid anger at all cost! It simply isn’t worth it.
A warning; if the battle is a physical one and you are in an abusive relationship, whether physical, or emotional, find help. This battle is too difficult to handle on your own and leaves you scarred. It is vital to inform a professional about this for your own safety and legal protection. Assure your words are documented and the professional therefore can provide documentation if or when needed.
WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?
It is never easy. All of us have needs. You may have needs that are from your own childhood. You may have scars that show up in places you least expect them to. You may also have unresolved issues, such as grief and loss that show up when you don’t want them to. The Lord is with you through these needs. Just ask Him to be your guide, protector, Creator, your all. He is the great I AM, will not change, loves you with all His heart, and gave up His son for you. He is gently knocking on your door. Being a gentleman, He waits for your response to open the door into your heart.
WARNING SIGNS OF TROUBLE WITH THE BOUNDARIES YOU CREATED
In the book "Boundaries*,"written by Dr's. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, the following steps are given to show how to strengthen, protect and/or defend your boundaries.
“Step #1 Resentment - …Early-Warning Signal” Your friends or loved ones may feel greatly irritated by your establishment of limits you have drawn around yourself; especially when they were able to exert consistent control on you. You also may react with resentment and anger when challenged. This is absolutely normal. You have a right and a permission to be angry when safe to do so. As you learn better control of your own personal disagreements and disappointments, you will be able to let your anger help you in the right way.
“Step #2 A Change of Tastes – Becoming Drawn to Boundary-Lovers” Boundaries need to be created in a healthy way and be meaningful and well thought out. Others who have well defined limits to themselves will be drawn to you and you to them. It’s a healthy way to proceed onward.
“Step #3 Joining the Family” Boundaries enable you to have deeper connection with others who have taken the same path.
“Step #4 Treasuring Our Treasures” Modeling accountability to others and with others is healthy. You’re showing others how you need to be treated.
“Step #5 Practicing Baby No’s” You may begin by practicing with people you know honor you before going forward with defining your boundaries with people who challenge you.
“Step #6 Rejoicing in the Guilty Feelings” Do you sometimes act like a slave to other’s approval? Allow yourself to move ahead by leaning on the Lord. Growth will occur through the process of responding in an accountable and mature manner.
“Step #7 Practicing Grownup No’s" It’s invaluable to have internal boundaries. Proverbs 23:7 (NKJV): “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” You will discover the truth in relationships. When you are able to develop your own boundaries, coercive, manipulative or narcissistic behavior of yourself or others will be ceased and recognized for what it is. Maturity grows out of it, regardless of your physical age.
“Step #8 Rejoicing in the Absence of Guilty Feelings” You can get rid of guilt with being consistent. This is a choice well worth to make for you.
“Step #9 Loving the Boundaries of Others” It’s simple and so profound. When you love others with their boundaries you learn to be empathetic. You simply “love your neighbor as yourself” (Galatians 5:14, NKJV)
“Step #10 Freeing Our No and Our Yes” Develop your ability to agree or disagree as a principle. Resentment can build otherwise. Learn to say ‘yes’ only when you carefully decide within your limits.
“Step #11 Mature Boundaries – Value-Driven Goal Setting” Boundary-setting is a mature act. It’s of taking charge of your own initiatives and being accountable for the way to conduct yourself with others.
Developing healthy boundaries takes focus, goal-setting and accountability to maintain. The achieved goal will provide control in your life. The rewards of maintaining boundaries are life-long. Your confidence will increase, you will believe in yourself, your abilities and choices you make. Your love for yourself will increase. As you love and honour yourself, your ability to love and honour others will increase. Your awareness of your own weaknesses will exist and you will be able to model others what you have overcome.
*Cloud, Dr. Henry, Townsend, dr. John, Boundaries, Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 1992